The struggles of mating season
by Coneofwonders
Summary: With the coming of Spring, Vipers biological urges seem to spring forth and after much consideration and weighing of risks, decides to give into it and mate with her boyfriend Mike. Turns out it's not as simple as it sounds thanks to said boyfriend being dense and clueless as hell about the mating season. Stupidity ensues.
1. Girl talk

By the time Viper had slithered her way into the kitchen barracks, only Tigress remained sat down as she took her time finishing off the last couple of tofu blocks left on her plate. A pang of envy crossed the snakes mind. The serpent had skipped lunch altogether, distracted with an issue that had weighed heavily on her mind for more than a day now. And now that she was at last able to catch only one of her best friends on their own, perhaps it would be a good chance to unload some of the pressure and talk about it. Despite the questionable answer she may receive, by anyone not just Tigress, she was a little more than reluctant to speak her mind. But she trusted that the feline would at least be willing to hear her out before passing judgement.

"Good afternoon Tigress." She greeted. A notable slouched and dulled tone lingering with every word she uttered. Something Tigress noted right away but decided to keep to herself for the moment.

"Master Viper." She greeted with her own unique tone. Stoic and authoritative. Had it not been for the small yet warm smile plastered upon her face Viper would have thought that she had somehow upset the feline. Thankfully she noticed the expression and treaded carefully with her words.

"I don't suppose you have a moment to spare to talk?"

Tigress gave a firm nod. "What about?"

Viper hesitated. Talking about this 'sensitive' matter was tougher than she had expected, buy after several seconds she found her words and spoke. "It's to do with that time of the year again..."

The short sentence was more than enough to clue Tigress in on what her friend was on about. Upon hearing her words Tigress looked at Viper and raised an eyebrow. "I assume you're talking about your heat?" She questioned bluntly, much to the now blushing snakes dismay.

"Tigress!" She hissed, clearly embarrassed before quickly checking behind her praying that no-one had heard her speak. Tigress held no reaction to Vipers outburst and waited for the serpent to calm herself before continuing.

"Perhaps you can enlighten me as to why this is such a large issue for you. You've always been able to keep yourself controlled through meditation and kung fu. Why should this year be any different?"

Viper sighed. Of course Tigress would tackle the problem head on. Just like she would with kung fu. "It's not the same when you're in a relationship. You're more tempted and easier to break. The only downside of having a boyfriend it seems..."

Surprisingly Tigress nodded in understanding. She knew well that her friend was referring to Mike, the Jade Palace's newest addition. A grey python that Viper eventually fell for despite his 'rocky' beginnings as a kung fu student. "So you've come to me seeking a solution, correct?"

Viper nodded back. The feline continued.

"Perhaps it would be prudent to send Mike to Gongmen city to train with the Gongmen council for a few weeks? He would likely be happy to visit Yinshen once more and you'd be less tempted." She offered.

Again Viper didn't speak right away. In fact she took longer to form her words. This along with the massive blush on her face hinted that she had a suggestion of her own. "Actually, I thought that it may be more beneficial to... bed him...?" She almost whispered, quickly looking away. By the time she looked back at Tigress, the felines eyes were wide open. The serpent started to regret her choice of words but before she could back them up, Tigress snapped back to reality and gave a heavy frown towards her friend.

"That... is certainly an option." She spoke slowly. "An ill-advised option, but an option all the same. And considering that you're one of the most respected masters across all of China I'm sure you have your reasons for coming to this conclusion?"

Viper nodded. "Relationships aren't exactly uncommon in Kung fu. Po knows that more than anyone." She forced a small chuckle. Tigress didn't join in. "Do you remember that he nearly once got married to that goat some time ago? No-one batted an eye back then. We all accepted Po's decision-"

"He was nearly forced to drop the title of Dragon Warrior for a sham wedding." Tigress interrupted with a grim reminder of that day flashing before her eyes. "How do you know the same won't befall you and your title as one of the Furious Five?"

Vipers lips thinned. "Because I may have... asked Master Shifu about this before coming to you..." Viper admitted.

If Tigress wasn't shocked before with everything that her friend had piled onto her shoulders, she certainly was now.

"What?" She stood up from her seat, yet stood her ground. As did Viper.

"I didn't make my decisions lightly. I did some research into what I could and couldn't do in a relationship as a member of the five before consulting Master Shifu. After all he was once a member of the Furious five, and now he's seeing than vixen friend of his, Meling, was it? And he's knowingly done so without any... further repercussions." Viper re-worded herself on that last part, remembering the crown of heaven incident.

"And... what was his decision?" Tigress asked. Her voice much less harsh than it had been a minute ago.

"He made a request that I should talk to my teammates and pursue what I think is right for me. Which I admit is one of the main reasons I came to find you." She smiled nervously.

Now it was Tigresses turn to hesitate. The gears in her head turned at an astonishing speed as she worked out the answer to a subject she had very VERY rarely encountered herself. After a minute she breathed in and out, steadied herself and spoke. "What would you have me do then? I don't see how my assistance could serve as useful in any way."

"Actually it would help more than you'd think. Like I said if me and Mike decide to... you know, then we'd certainly value our privacy. From everyone in the barracks I mean. So could you perhaps convince the others to go on a night patrol tomorrow? Possibly without telling them the reason behind it?"

Tigress thought about it long and hard, weighing both the pros and cons to this... questionable idea. She trusted her friend knew well what she was doing and that even Shifu had somewhat approved. It also gave her the chance to put Po through his paces with stamina, a skill he needed much improvement on. It also kept him from trying to eat half the food in the kitchen after training hours which would be very beneficial to everyone in the barracks. As well as keeping him from doing his childish pranks, annoying stories, she wouldn't have to worry about being interrupted for silly reasons or... matter of fact, most of her pros were centred around Po. Not that she hated Po, far from it, but for one who was meant to be the dragon warrior Po was a little too full of himself, when he wasn't too full of noodles and bean buns that is. At least by fulfilling Vipers request she could get Po to be a little more focused on certain aspects and maybe work on taking kung fu a little more seriously.

"Very well then. I accept your proposal."

Viper gleamed and gave her friend a hug, wrapping herself around the back of her neck and nuzzling her cheek slightly. "Thank you Tigress. This really does mean a lot to me."

Tigress nodded. Tomorrow was certainly going to be... interesting for the both of them.

**././././././././././././././././.**

**I think this may be the silliest thing I've worked on for this account, but I've decided to give it a go anyway because... why not XD**

**So for those wondering the reason behind this kind of story, it was due to reading a few harem/lemon stories of kung fu panda and noticing how in them there's little dialogue, context, serious consideration from characters about their actions and one of the biggest things that gets me, the lack of characters personalities compared to the movies or LOA series. So, I decided to throw my hat into the ring and come up with my own version of a saucy kung fu panda fic... without the sex.**

**Don't give me that look! I'm not that kind of writer! This will be mostly focused around my usual style which is humour, but don't worry, there will be a few sexual references, word play and playful scenes that will happen since that's what half of you are reading this for in the first place no doubt XD. But overall it's going to be free of any serious sex action so feel free to use your minds XD**

**But with all that being said, thanks for reading and I'll catch you in the next chapter. Cheerio!**


	2. Are you really this dense?

All seven kung fu students of the Jade Palace were rather glad to dine in on yet another one of Po's exquisite noodle soup dishes in the kitchen barracks after yet another gruelling training session. Some more than happy to ask for seconds. Around the table sat every member of the Furious Five, The dragon warrior himself, and who technically still counted as the newest member of the team, Mike. Each of them going over their highlight of the day whether it be improving on their latest kung fu move, defeating a group of dangerous bandits or their newest joke or prank. They were so busy talking that they hadn't noticed that two of their number gradually fell silent before looking at each other with a knowing expression on their faces. Viper gave a subtle nod to Tigress who nodded back. It was time to put Vipers plan to action.

"Alright, dinner's over everyone. It's time to get back out there and protect the village." She ordered, rising from her chair and speaking with a voice loud and sharp enough to cut through everyone's conversations and catch their attentions. It didn't stop them from moaning about it.

"Already?" Asked Monkey with his soup bowl still grasped in his long simian hands. "We still got plenty of time to eat though."

"Yeah! We've been on our feet all day! Can't we just take five? Or ten?" Mantis followed up.

Tigress gave them little sympathy. "You can rest later tonight once we return from night patrol."

The mere mention of night patrol got everyone to moan louder.

"Night patrol? We're going to be exhausted the day after!" Mike protested.

"You do know that tomorrow's our weekly day off, right?" Crane reminded the python.

"Hey, if you want to sleep through your day off then go ahead. I however don't."

"Uh, don't knock it til you try it buddy." Po winked, causing most of the masters to roll their eyes. Before they could protest and moan any further, Tigress slammed her fist against the table hard enough to catch their attention for the second time.

"This isn't a request!" She scolded before folding her arms and narrowing her eyes. "But if none of you feel up for it, perhaps you'd all prefer to join me for some one on one sparing?" She gave a teasing smile as she watched their reactions. Shrunk pupils and nervous expressions filled the room.

Monkey cleared his throat. "You know what, night patrol doesn't sound so bad."

Everyone else shook their heads in agreement and before quickly getting up and following Tigress out of the warm and comfortable kitchen they had just gotten used to enjoying and into the freezing cold of day where any and all positive attitudes were swept away by the long biting wind. They only had perhaps an hour of daylight left before night fell and most villagers decided to retreat into their homes, then the long and most certainly boring patrolling officially begun. Mike and Viper were the last two to slither out the door, or rather they would have been had Tigress not held her hand up to Mike halting him in his tracks. The python looked up to the feline with a confused expression.

"Not you two. Someone needs to stay at the Jade Palace just in case someone tries to steal something from the hall of heroes again."

"Again?" Mike asked.

"Let's just say that due to some certain chain of events..." She passed a glare to Po, who looked in every direction but Tigresses. "The priceless Dugong dagger was once stolen by some common thieves, to pay for soup of all things. Since then we've seen it necessary to have one of us remain behind to protect the artefacts and treasures in the Jade Palaces possession."

"So we don't have to go out patrol then? We get to stay here?" The grey snake clarified. Tigress nodded. "Awesome!"

"Aw come on!" Po protested. "Can't we just call it a night? My feet are killing me!"

"You've been on them for like half an hour the whole of today!" Mantis pointed out. The panda nodded in agreement.

"I know right? Talk about overdoing it! If it wasn't for that day off tomorrow I don't know what I'd do!"

Tigress cut their conversation short as she ordered those who hadn't been assigned to remain at the Jade Palace down the barrack stairs and down into the village. It didn't take long for their footsteps to die down leaving Mike and Viper on their own. The python turned to Viper with a smile.

"Well that's a stroke of luck." He noted before heading back into the warmth of the building. Being cold blooded was not doing him any favours in this wind. "Thank goodness too. I've got to get up early tomorrow too if I want to get those cookies from Pao's bakery before they all sell out."

Viper returned his smile, though hers was more forced and felt slightly awkward. Despite the lengths she had gone through to organise this whole thing, this wasn't going to be as straight forward as she would have liked. Tigress reminded her of that last night.

././././././././././././.

After her talk with Tigress, Viper was ready to leave her feline friend for the rest of the day. If she had legs she'd be skipping happily out the door. But before she could get far, Tigress coughed getting Vipers attention once more.

"I do have one question I feel I should ask. For Mikes sake."

Viper blinked but decided to entertain her. "What would that be?"

"Doe he know that you're in heat?" Tigress stated without hesitation. It caused Vipers eyes to widen.

"Um... well..."

"Is he even aware of what heat is?" Tigress pressed on. "After all we both know that Mike isn't exactly your... average python."

Viper could see what Tigress was getting across. It did seem like a rather large possibility that Mike did indeed not know about these biological urges that controlled her body and what they were meant for. Coming on too strong could very well scare him off or worse. This train of thought had now instantly made everything that much harder for her.

"I... suppose it would be best to talk him about it then. It may come as a bit of a shock but I'm sure he'll be able to cope with it. I hope."

"Then I'm sure that you have nothing to worry about. Mike is calm, collected and sensible enough to listen and understand your needs. I have confidence that it'll work out."

Viper chuckled nervously.

././././././././.././././.

"So." Mike spoke up, snapping Viper out of her thoughts. "Any idea on what to do? I don't know about you but I think I'm done with training for the rest of the day."

"Oh I have a few thoughts." Viper blushed, which went unnoticed by the python. "We could just head back to my room and... talk." She smiled sweetly fluttering her eyelids.

Mike shrugged. "K, sure thing."

It wasn't exactly a long trip from one end to the barracks to the other but deciding to butter the python up, Viper slithered side to side, more than she would do when moving normally, covering more surface area. For a snake this was something similar to that of a sexual walk where someone would move and show off their hips more to entice their lover. To Mike however, it looked more like she was slowly moving around in pain. At least from the back of her.

"Are you okay Vipes?" He asked in concern. "You seem to be moving quite slow."

"Uh, yes. I'm alright." She replied, deciding to stop and slither normally. Not the best start.

In the few seconds it took for the two snakes to reach the bedroom, Viper slithered onto her bed and sat coiled up at the very edge of it. She then patted the space next to her with her tail, signalling for Mike to join her, which he did. Once he was sat down next to her the python opened his mouth to speak.

"So, what exactly was it you wanted to talk about?"

No point in delaying the inevitable now, Viper thought.

"Mike, there's no easy way to say this but it's something that you need to know." Viper started off. Her eyes staring into his. "Around this time of year, there are certain species in China that experience what's known as heat. It's part of a biological sensation which can become irritable if not treated and-"

"Oh, I think I know what you mean actually!" Mike cut in. His curious look now replaced with a sweet and gentle one.

Viper blinked in surprise. "Really?" Mike nodded much to the green snakes relief. At least now she didn't have to worry about having to go through the lengthy and uncomfortable process of explaining everything in detail like a teacher would with a schoolkid. Viper continued. "Well in that case, I hope I'm not pressuring you into anything, and please feel free to say no if you're uncomfortable with it but... would you be... willing to help me overcome my heat?" She blushed. An almost pleading look grew on her face. Her mind jumped up and down in joy the moment the python said yes.

"Anything for you Vipes." He smiled. "Just lie down on the bed and give me a minute to prepare. It's... the first time I've ever done anything like this."

Being the happy serpent she now was, Viper laid down on her pillow belly first and rested her head on the fluffy pillow at the end of it. She heard Mike slithering up to her head, giving her a nuzzle.

"I'll be back in a bit." He spoke, giving his girlfriend a gentle kiss on the head before heading out the door. It didn't take him long to return. Viper could hear his scales moving across the wooden floor. Despite being well disciplined as a kung fu master it was beginning to take a lot of self control not to just wrap herself around Mike and do what her body was begging her to do. Still it didn't stop her body from squirming in anticipation. Especially as Mike began to talk again.

"So I was thinking... since again, I've never really done anything like this, perhaps it would be easier to start at the base of the neck? Then move all the way down until... well until you tell me to stop of course. Then we'll do the same on the other side."

Viper chuckled. "Whichever way you prefer Mike, I'm happy to go along with it." She winked.

"Alright then. Here we go."

Vipers body tensed. She could imagine it now. Mike giving a few tender kisses at the base of her neck before moving down her spine to the tip of her tail then going again on the other side until he reached her... … It was going to be one of the most incredible and intense experiences of her life.

Unfortunately that line of thought was instantly shattered the moment something small freezing cold and wet splattered onto her neck causing her to squeak in surprise and fright. She even jumped in the air much like a cat would, making at least a good three feet before shaking it off and realising that the thing was merely a small hand towel soaked in water. She looked to Mike who just looked surprised from her reaction. After a few seconds he found his voice.

"Too cold?" He asked innocently.

"What are you doing?" Viper asked in shock.

"Helping you with your heat liked you asked." The python responded, holding a basin full of ice cold water. "I thought a nice relaxing soak from a towel would help you out."

Relaxing was FAR from Vipers mind the second she felt the coldness of that towel.

"Mike, that was not nice OR relaxing! Not even a bit!"

"Well I did warn you it was the first time I've done something like this! Taking care of someone with an illness wasn't what I expected to have my tail full with tonight." Mike paused for a second. "Should I fetch one of the doctors from the village?"

Viper tried her hardest not to moan. Gods knew that it wasn't going to be one of pleasure either.

"Right. Okay." She muttered to herself, rising up from her stomach and dropping from the bed up to Mikes face. While she wasn't mad... much, she was a little disappointed with herself for just making the assumption that Mike would instantly know what was going on. This meant that she needed to break things down for him even further. Without making him feel rushed in their relationship.

"Mike? Is heat something that your species goes through on a yearly basis?"

"What, like heatstroke?"

Viper frowned. "No, just heat. Just that one word."

"Not to my knowledge then, no." He confirmed.

"Okay then. Well first off it's not a type of illness. It's more a burning sensation that females experience at different points throughout the year. For me, this time of year is when it hits. And it hits hard. That is why I need you to... relieve me with um... something long and hard. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Mike took a moment to think before his face lit up in recognition. "Oh! Right! Umm..." He blurted out all at once. His face paled as the answers rushed into his head. "Right then, sorry about that! God I'm an idiot! Really should have figured that out sooner!"

Viper giggled at the python's moment of panic. "It's alright Mike, we got there in the end. As long as you're okay with going through with it that is."

Mike took a breath. "Yeah. Of course. It's just... well, it's kind of extreme for me! I've no experience with this sort of situation at all!"

"Well that does in some ways make it better." Viper mused with an upwards curl of her lips.

The python went silent for a moment. Clearly going through everything that had been said and what was about to come. Breaking free from his mind he cleared his throat. "Do you mind if I... step outside for a moment? I think I need some air."

Viper nodded and even gave him a peck on the cheek. "Take all the time you need sweetie." She soothed him. "But... don't take too long. We only have tonight after all."

Mike barely nodded and with his blank stare headed out of the room a second time. When he returned ten minutes later he found Viper lying on the bed once more. This time on her back. He did his best not to chicken out and proceeded forwards towards her.

"So... I've been thinking about it. About how we're going to do this..." He started off. His voice caused Viper to look at him with one eye where she noticed the clearly nervous but caring expression he wore. "And I thought perhaps maybe we should start with the toughest step, get it over with otherwise one of us might... well, chicken out?"

Viper blushed. He was being rather bold about it and she liked that. A lot. "Maybe that's a good idea. The rest should be easier to get into afterwards." She agreed. Yet despite her positivity, Mike still seemed reluctant. Something was on his mind still. "Mike, is everything okay?"

"It's just... what if I end up hurting you? I don't think I'd forgive myself if that happened!"

Viper lifted her head and looked to Mike with her head properly facing him. He was almost sweating he was that nervous. She wrapped her tail under his chin. "Mike, you could never hurt me." She soothed gently with a trusting warm smile. "I trust you completely with this. You'll be fine as will I. If anything, in a few minutes you might find yourself enjoying it. Gods know I will."

Her words seemed to be enough to calm Mike down enough to relax. He sighed and offered his own smile. "Okay then. Let's do it." Viper smiled wider but Mike wasn't done. "But before we start, I just want to say something. No matter what happens, know that I love you very much."

Viper responded to his words with a peck on the lips. She would have done a lot more but decided to take it easy and let the python make the first move. With a nod she lay back down on the pillow and waited for Mike to make the first move.

Her world soon quickly exploded with pain. And not the good kind either.

The second she squirmed and yelped she could hear Mike repeating the word sorry over and over again. Mustering her strength she looked down at the source of pain and saw that Mike had indeed stuck something long and hard into her. A ten inch needle. Stuck right in her side. Mike still panicking did the only thing he could and pulled it out right away. It hurt almost as much as it had been inserted.

"Oh my God, Viper! Are you okay?!"

...

...

"What do you think...?" She hissed out.

"Damn it, I knew I should have gone with my gut! That's the last time I'm ever trying acupuncture!"

"Acupunc… Why are you using acupuncture on me?!"

"I thought that was what you wanted!"

Viper tried her hardest not to snap in anger. Tonight was going to be a long night.


End file.
